Co-parenting Guide

Co-parenting is the term given to the situation where two (or more) people take on the role of parenting a child, but those people are not in a marriage or similar relationship. This Co-parenting Guide covers everything you need to know — from post-divorce arrangements to elective co-parenting for same-sex couples and single parents.

This Co-parenting Guide addresses situations that may arise when, after a divorce, parents agree to have equal responsibility for the child’s upbringing, as well as situations where two people who want to have a child but not to be in a relationship set out to co-parent together.

In 1989 the Convention on the Rights of the Child set out the principle that a child has the right to maintain a strong relationship with both parents, and since then this has become more of a recognised right. These days more and more people are opting to co-parent. However bitter a divorce or separation may be, the rights of the child are more at the forefront of people’s minds than ever before.

Similarly, in the modern age where having a child “out of wedlock” is not so frowned upon, many people are choosing elective co-parenting — perhaps with a lifelong friend who has similar life goals and philosophy, but is not a romantic match. You can explore potential matches on our guide to finding the right co-parent.
Although shared parenting can help to ease the pain a child will feel from the parents’ relationship breakdown, it is not always easy. As well as the usual everyday parenting disagreements, you have the added tension of being two separate units rather than one family unit.

Co-parenting Guide: Heterosexual Co-Parenting

When a relationship breaks down, it is hard for all involved. When there are children involved, whatever age they are, it makes things a lot more fraught. Fighting for custody and abiding by joint custody arrangements can be exhausting and traumatic for all concerned.

If both parents are able to put their differences behind them and agree to work together for the good of the child, this Co-parenting Guide recommends focusing on what matters most: the child’s wellbeing. It is important to remember that although the relationship has broken down, the family that exists as a result of that relationship is still there.
Co-parenting seems to be the parenting choice of forward-thinking, mature parents who are wise enough to realise that the child is the innocent party and has the right to a full and loving relationship with both parents.

Arguably the key is for both parents to focus on the child, rather than each other. The concept of separating feelings from behaviour plays an important role here. Simple techniques such as agreeing to only speak about matters involving the child, or making an extra effort to listen and show restraint, can make a big difference in the early days.

The important thing is to remain consistent between the two parents. Things like bedtimes, curfews and homework should be agreed between the parents rather than having the child bounce between two sets of rules. If parents do not present a unified front, the child may end up confused and just as insecure as if there had been a lengthy court battle.

Co-parenting Guide: Homosexual Co-Parenting

Homosexual, or homoparentality, refers to lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT) parenting. This can include children raised by a same-sex couple, or by an opposite-sex couple where one or both parents are LGBT.

For homosexual people, becoming a parent can be much more of a struggle than for heterosexual couples. In some cases, two homosexual couples may decide between them to bring up a child together. In some cases a homosexual couple may decide to find a surrogate or sperm donor to enable them to have a child together. For more on the legal aspects, read our guide on sperm donor, surrogacy, adoption and co-parenting laws.

As the Italian Supreme Court ruled in 2013, there is no scientific evidence to say that a homosexual couple would not be as capable as a heterosexual couple of raising a child. As time goes on, gay parenting is likely to become more commonplace as society breaks away from traditional family models.

Co-parenting Guide: Joint Co-Parenting After Separation

The breakdown of a family unit can be incredibly traumatic for a child. It has been said that in a successful divorce, the parents can divorce each other, but the child is not required to divorce one of the parents.

Joint co-parenting is often chosen as the best way to put the child first after the breakdown of a marriage or relationship. According to Cafcass, the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service, maintaining strong relationships with both parents is central to a child’s wellbeing after separation.

It can be helpful to establish a few simple ground rules: agreeing not to say negative things about each other to the child, and agreeing not to air grievances when the child is present. At its best, this Co-parenting Guide would describe the arrangement as characterised by cooperation, consistency, communication and compromise.

If parents are struggling to maintain effective arrangements, family mediation may be a more agreeable option than court proceedings. The aim is not to decide whose fault something is, but to find a solution that will be as agreeable as possible for all concerned.

Co-parenting Guide: Current Legislation in the UK

In the UK, the law regarding co-parenting is somewhat ambiguous and can often change from case to case. The whole point of co-parenting is to keep the issue away from the courts and come to an amicable agreement between the two parties.

If a gay man donates sperm to any woman and intends to co-parent the child, he can be treated as the child’s legal father. If his name is recorded on the birth certificate, he will also have parental responsibility.

Interestingly, the same rules do not apply if a man donates sperm to a lesbian couple. The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act of 2008 made changes so that with any child conceived after 6 April 2009, lesbian couples conceiving with donated sperm may both be treated as parents of the child — this effectively removes the rights of the sperm donor.

This is still relatively new legislation with many conditions, so anyone in this situation should seek legal advice as soon as possible. For a complete overview, this Co-parenting Guide recommends reading our dedicated article on co-parenting laws in the UK.