Can someone explain it to me?

by BrionyE » 28 Nov 2013

Hello,

I have only ever thought about AI and raising the child alone. It hasn't occurred to me to look at co-parenting and, to be honest, I'm a little confused about it.
Do the donors have visitation rights? Is it the same as a divorced couple? What is typically the case? Although it has never interested me before, it has started to because I grew up as a "daddy's girl" and, even though I have no friendship with him now, I enjoyed my childhood and have fond memories of having that special bond.

Could someone enlighten me?
Thank you.

by Mum2B77 » 13 Jan 2014

There's not a lot of information on here is there!

I have a lot of questions too - does the donor go on the birth certificate, is there a fee for each donation and if so how much, do you draw up a contract to agree that the mother does not claim child maintenance from the father and the father does not lay claim to the child, what are the differences between the different types of insemination (I've seen natural insemination which I presume is sex, artificial insemination which I presume is a cup and a turkey baster, but then I've seen people talking of another kind which seems to be somewhere between the two - exactly what does that mean?), if the parents agree to no contact do you still keep in contact should the child wish to look up the parent later on...?

So many questions and I can't see a FAQ section for newbs.

Any links or answers greatly appreciated!

by wolfy91 » 16 Jan 2014

My understanding is that both parents go on the birth certificate and share all rights. I was introduced to it as, two friends who don't want a relationship together agree on how to raise the child and decide to have on together, sharing all rights.

by hullguy » 16 Jan 2014

Mum2B77 wrote:There's not a lot of information on here is there!

I have a lot of questions too -


I'm not interested in co-parenting (I have my own daughter conceived naturally first cycle) but will try and answer some of your questions.

Mum2B77 wrote:does the donor go on the birth certificate

My guess would be that yes, he would go on the birth certificate. As a co-parent, you are presumably single and looking for a father for the child to help you bring up the child.

Mum2B77 wrote:is there a fee for each donation and if so how much

Sperm donors are not allowed to charge for sperm donations. We can only ask for expenses ( generally fuel/train fares and if travelling a long way, maybe hotel /meal costs.)

Mum2B77 wrote:do you draw up a contract to agree that the mother does not claim child maintenance from the father and the father does not lay claim to the child

For normal donors and recipients where we are not involved after the conception apart from recipients providing photo/update, an agreement is usually used to explain you won't be asking for maintenance and we will not be requesting parental responsibility/visitation.

For co-parenting, surely the idea is that the donor and recipient spend a lot of time together with the child for the next 18 years? In this case, I would have thought that the father has parental responsibility and can make decisions with the mother about caring for the child, whether its disposable/terry nappies, naming the child, what school to attend etc. In exchange for all this responsibility and contact, surely he should be paying her maintenance or at least paying for certain things for the child (buying nappies, clothes etc, paying for dance class/swimming lessons/football practice or whatever)

Mum2B77 wrote:what are the differences between the different types of insemination (I've seen natural insemination which I presume is sex, artificial insemination which I presume is a cup and a turkey baster, but then I've seen people talking of another kind which seems to be somewhere between the two - exactly what does that mean?

There are 4 type of insemination according to other sites.

AI = Artificial insemination - the donor masturbates in private into a specimen pot. He leaves and the recipient sucks it up into a needleless syringe (NOT a turkey baster) and then she (or her partner) inseminates her. You could ask your local chemist for a syringe for toddler medicine like Calpol (about 10ml). After insemination, the recipient should aim to have an orgasm (only external stimulation - you don't want the sperm to get on anything you insert and then lose it when you remove the finger/vibrator etc). During orgasm, your cervix will dip down into the pool of sperm and suck some up helping it on its swim to your egg.

NI = Natural Insemination - You are right, it is straightforward sex. Whether that includes kissing/foreplay and cuddles etc afterwards or is just a case of he gets erection, enters, thrusts until he ejaculates inside, withdraws and leaves is obviously up to you both to decide.

In general, it's often said that many recipients (especially lesbians) are only wanting AI, many donors are looking for NI.

The other two options are a "compromise".

AI+ is where the recipient is in the same room as the donor and provides some help to get the sperm donation. This could involve the recipient parading in her underwear, being topless, being naked and playing with herself, giving a "helping hand" or giving him oral, basically anything short of penetrative sex. The insemination is then done with the syringe.

PI = Partial intercourse is one that I had to look up when I first heard about it. Basically, the recipient is laid on the bed, the donor masturbates and then at the last minute, enters the recipient and ejaculates inside her. Therefore sex for procreation, not recreation.

It is up to the recipient as to what she is comfortable in doing. If a donor wants to go further than you wish, e.g. you are happy to use your hand but don't want to give him oral or allow him to ejaculate inside you, make sure you stick to your limits. If he is not happy with your donation method, do not use him. There are genuine donors out there who will respect your boundaries. NI is not proven to be any more successful than AI but if you are happy to do NI, you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Sometimes, recipients start with AI and after a few cycles then decide to try NI. Maybe they have had 6 AI cycles and 1 NI cycle, they might think the NI was more effective but basically it just means they get pregnant in the 7th cycle. It might have taken them 7 cycles of NI, so choice of method is for you to decide on an individual basis.

Obviously, as any sti can be passed on through a donor's sperm, you should request evidence of a recent sti test. All that is required is a blood sample and a urine sample, no examination if he has no symptoms.

If you opt for PI or NI, you should expect a donor would want to see the same evidence that you are clear of sti's too as if you have one (especially if you don't know you have), it can be passed to him and any other recipients he is helping. Your testing is the same as the donor (blood test and urine sample) with the addition of you doing a vaginal swab too.

Mum2B77 wrote:if the parents agree to no contact do you still keep in contact should the child wish to look up the parent later on...?


I would suggest you don't lose contact totally. 18 years is a long time and the child has a right to know who their father is. I personally request a photo and birth details and would appreciate a yearly photo/update. This will make things easier if the child does want to know their father. I'm happy to have the photos and not see the recipients (unless they want a sibling) until the child is 18. You can decide if you just send a photo/update after each birthday/Christmas or if you want to occasionally meet up with him. Contact with the child should always be at the recipient's discretion. You can still meet the donor for a coffee and an update while grandma babysits.

I hope this helps, feel free to pm me if you have any other queries.




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