A question for the mums to be...

by DadtoOne » 13 Mar 2018


I'm approaching this idea of co-parenting with a great deal of curiosity met with obvious uncertainty.
The question I wish to ask all you lovely mothers in the making is if the idea of a man who already has a child from a previous relationship seems off putting? I understand everyone would have their own unique needs when entering an arrangement such as pre defined co-parenting approach. In my case, I have shared residence and I would be keen on something that would fit in with the current family unit, i.e. When baby is gaining independence from mum, would the idea of shared care be out of the question? And how would it work if one parent fell in love with another and wanted a new family? Do these things get agreed in a kind of pre pregnancy contract?

Interested to know...

by Zen123 » 15 Mar 2018

I am new to this too and not sure my response will help but he is my personal view. Already having a child is good, it shows you know exactly what is ahead of you and the general idea of parent hood. Re the rest i guess you make a plan. We are human after all so there will be ups and downs and you may get lucky and fall in love too but you wont really know what to do about it till it happens i guess.
Personally i am hoping once i find my 'help' together we will make a plan that covers potential ups and downs and then let life do the rest.
Good luck!

by Werdandi » 15 Mar 2018

Dear DadtoOne
It depends, it depends! I think the most useful thing you can do is put what you want out of this journey in your profile — it means fewer people are going to approach you, but it’s going to be the right ones. Or discuss the most important things as soon as you start corresponding, or meet.
A paragraph I really liked on someone’s profile recently (on the German version of this site, so I translate, paraphrase and possibly mis-remember!), went something like this: “I would like to help make someone’s child wish come true by co-parenting or possibly donation ... If a romantic relationship can blossom from this as well, that would be really lovely, but such things cannot be forced.”
As it is, reading those really well-crafted words (it read better in German!) let me have respect and goodwill towards the prospective donor/dad *even though he was clearly not a match for me* (because of the distance and because I’m already married, but it could have been any reason) — which means I did *not* contact him and did not waste his time.
But if I did, I would know what he was open to, so it would be easier to have conversations as things kept unfolding. (And actually, the way he put it didn’t rule out simple no-contact donation either, which is why I thought it was particularly clever.)
I think what I’m trying to say is that the “contract” writes itself in the beginning — though of course setting things on paper later in a non-binding agreement is useful. (Contracts are not binding in this field, but can be used to show intent.)
That said, I myself have quite a bit of info on *my* profile and have attracted some abuse because of it — and you might not want that. All I can say is that there’s something to be said for an early sifting process, and to attract the kind of person you want to while warding off the rest.
And that’s difficult — so good luck!
Also, agreed with previous poster: Already having a child will be attractive to a lot of people.
A bit rambling, but I hope that helps!

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